I was waiting to turn right - out of the Teeter Parking Lot. I looked to my left - a long stream of traffic was approaching. I was content to wait my turn. My windows were down - a beautiful breeze was blowing - Dan Fogelberg was playing - who could ask for more? I glanced once again to my left, and my eye was immediately caught by an enormous insect - hovering mid air - two lanes over...it was MASSIVE, and what's worse, even with my ever decreasing eyesight, I could see that it was a hornet. As I am allergic to everything that stings, I reflexively pushed the button to raise the windows - laughing at myself as I did so. It was two lanes over, for goodness sake - I was well within the safety zone. Now people, I must emit a fragrance that is irresistible to lethal looking, venomous stinging things - because this sucker (pardon the upcoming pun), made a beeline straight towards me! It was at that very moment that things started to move in Slow Motion - the Hornet, winging it's way towards the open window - that very window inching it's way up....It's Not going to Make it in time!! I did what any intelligent person would do - I pushed the button harder and scrunched my eyes closed. I felt the window slide into the closed position. I cracked one eye open - then the next. I looked in the rear view mirror - whew! No flying monster anywhere in sight. The front seat was clear, as was the dashboard and all other landable interior automotive surfaces. Narrow escape!
I made my right turn, onto the busiest thruway in our town. After about half a block, I rolled the windows down, and recommenced singing harmony with my Man Dan. I rolled to a stop at the intersection with Main St. I was several cars back, which put me on eye level with The Tuesday Morning Store. As I looked to my right to see what was on the sidewalk sale, I saw a crumb on my shirt. I reached down to brush it off, when it's antennae wriggled. "That's odd", I thought to myself - "crumbs don't have antennae". I came to the realization that I hadn't even eaten anything that might have left a crumb at the exact same moment that I realized I was sporting a large, live Hornet Broach! I threw the car into park - flung the door open, jumped out - right into the highway, and proceeded to give half of my little town a show that they will never forget. It is a good thing that I have been Zumbafied. Shoulder isolations.....abdominal rolls.....hip thrusting. A dance of such magnitude it literally stopped traffic. The woman in the car behind me sat bug eyed( I know...I'm punny!) as she mouthed "Do you need help?" I started to shriek like a mad woman, as my gyrations were doing nothing to dislodge the stinging demon. In a last desperate attempt to free myself, I grabbed the hem of my tee shirt and commenced to pull it off. Thank the good Lord, at that point, the wee beastie decided that it was in it's best interest to fly away, because I was prepared to go the Full Monty - right there by Main Street. In my panic to exit the car, I did not realize that the strap of my shoulder bag was hooked around my ankle, and with the last great heave of my shirt, I pulled the bag out of the car - spilling it's contents on the road, causing me to fall. I saved myself from contact with the pavement at the last moment by hooking an arm through the open window. As I bent to snatch up my bag and it's strewn contents, I gave a weak little wave to the massive line of cars that were now backed up - their drivers slack jawed and pole axed. The changing light, long since turned green, seemed to awaken the drivers from their stupors, and the cars slowly moved around and past me. With as much dignity as I could muster, I threw my bag in the car, and dove in after it. As I put the car in drive, I caught sight of my very red face in the mirror, and then I smiled.......still stopping traffic in my Fifties....that's just how I roll.
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