Forever Young....

      The cover of the magazine almost did me in....there they stood - I had to look twice, and blink once - for the names were right, but the faces....they didn't  exactly fit.....Luke and Laura. Think back....for me, it was the summer before I started College - the TRUE wedding of the century.....Soap Opera Drama at it's finest....Romance, Angst, Conflict, Gorgeous Wedding Dress.....She was beautiful (But a terrible actress). He was dangerous....the kind of man your Mother warned you about. Together they represented a fairy tale (albeit a dark one) come true, and eternal youth. Which may explain why my brain refused to accept the photographic evidence right in front of me...on the cover of Soap Opera Digest...on the rack by the Cash Register....at the Teeter.....where I was recently offered the Senior Citizen Discount.....
      "Luke and Laura - Reunited", the headline proclaimed. Tony Geary (Luke), never your typical handsome man, has not aged well....he looks a little like your standard Creepy Old Man next door. Genie Frances (Laura), looked like somebody's Middle Aged Mom...jowlish jaw line and all.  I've been noticing it alot lately...how folks around me - my contemporaries - are suddenly looking their age...the face that stares out at me from the mirror may or may not be looking a little beyond it's age.....but Luke and Laura?! That's just adding insult to injury.

     It's been a long few days.....nothing earth shattering - just the reality that is mine. Extreme Penny Pinching (my best sport) grows wearisome from time to time, and there are days when it weighs heavily on my spirit. I have had to tell the girls "No", one too many times this week....they ask for so little, and it hurts me....how how rarely the word "Yes" can fall from my lips. I miss College Boy so much today that it is a physical ache....I think that this latest bought of separation sadness was brought on by this past weekend's ice storm. The girls and I were snuggled in the Den - I was watching the clock as the streets were getting more treacherous by the minute - John was late getting in from work, and I was starting to worry. As I heard his key in the back door, I breathed a sigh of relief and thought - "Thank God - now we are all safe, here in the house".....and then it struck me that I was thinking in terms of "Us" as four people, instead of five.....thereby admitting that College Boy is making his own life....as it should be. Which is cause for celebration.....and sadness.
   As I left the house this morning, I popped Joan Baez into the CD player in the car....I got it from the Library over the weekend - her Greatest Hits Album....I had it on Cassette AND 8 track, back in the day, and it was often the soundtrack to my young life.....the best tracks (to my way of thinking) were the ones that dealt with lost love. Forever Young was another favorite - an anthem of empowerment to those of us who were 21 - and surely would remain so in perpetuity. It has been many years since I last heard this song, and as I listened to it this morning I realized it was NOT an anthem dedicated to the 21 year olds.....It is a prayer - for those trudging along in the trenches of life. It speaks, not to the Newly Wed Luke and Laura....but to the Luke and Laura on the cover of the Soap Opera Digest.....the ones that look a little ragged ...the ones that inevitably  wear life's mileage on their faces.....and that very mileage....the mileage that causes our backs to hurt, our knees to crack, our foreheads to furrow, our hair to grey- also causes our spirits to grow heavy....causes our tempers to grow sullen, our hope to run short.....causes us to grow old.
   Children have such depth of spirit.....they are eager and open - they thirst for knowledge, and view the world as a place of wonder. They love with abandon, and express that love without reservation. They forgive easily, and start each day in anticipation of a possible adventure....More than flawless skin, luminous hair, and a 26 inch waist....THIS is what we loose as we age...THIS is the youth Joan Baez wished for us, when she sang her prayer...the prayer I say for myself tonight.....the prayer I say for you, too....
   
      "May God Bless and keep you always, may your wishes all come true. May you always do for others, and let others do for you. May you build a ladder to the stars, and climb on every rung.....and may you stay forever young. May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true, may you always know the truth and see the light surrounding you. May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong...and may you stay forever young. May your hands always be busy, may your feet always be swift, may you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift. May your heart always be joyful, may your song always be sung.....and may you stay......Forever Young."

Thus endeth the lesson....

    Here's the thing.....when you work with kids, your life is Never Dull! As a Children's Minister, I am privy to a wealth of the precious, the funny, and the downright unbelievable words that fall from the mouths of babes! Take the Sunday, several months ago. I always peak in to each classroom at the beginning of the Sunday School hour, and then again, right before I go to warm up for choir. On this particular day, I went into the Pre School room and read a story. Afterwards, I was in the robing room, putting on my choir robe (my WHITE choir robe), when I remembered that I had left my keys on the counter, so on my way to the choir room, I went back to the Pre School room to retrieve them. As I entered, I heard a gasp,then a squeal, and suddenly there was a three year old hugging me around the knees, and saying in a hushed voice...."Miss Kelley - I always knew you were an angel!"
     Tonight.....not so much. Tonight, we were overflowing with kids of varying school ages, a couple of whom were new. To get everybody focused, I suggested we go around the room and say name, age, and grade in school. Once that was done, as a segue to our lesson, I asked who the youngest child in the room was - then the oldest (we figured this out by birth dates, as we had several of each age). As I was reeling them in to the lesson, one little friend piped up - "wait a minute.....thus and so isn't the oldest (name changed to protect the innocent).....Miss Kelley is the oldest!" Suddenly the room was filled with a cacophony of agreement....."That's right"....."Oh yeah (Said with a laugh), Miss Kelley is OLD"......."She's the oldest, she IS!"......you get the general idea - in one fell swoop, just like that, I lost control of the room.  Control was soon gained by a 5 year old who exclaimed "At least Miss Kelley is not as old as GOD........" "That's right", said her 6 year old compadre, "God is the OLDEST of the Old!"......."Yeah", said another friend, "but what does that make Miss Kelley?!" Several thoughts were then bandied about (None of which were in agreement to MY suggestion that we get back to the lesson at hand!). The pitch of the room was escalating, with each child trying to outdo the other with their passionate opinions in regards to my antiquity.  I feared that a riot was eminent...and then, one of the little darlings, with elbows on the table, put her head in her hands and said "Let's face it......Miss Kelley is Older than Old".........So let it be written......so let it be done.....thus endeth the lesson!

Not enough Hand Sanitizer in. the. WORLD!

          Here I am, a day late and a dollar short...as usual. I missed Tirade Tuesday by just one day. Can you have Tirade Tuesday on Wednesday?...No?...OK - how about Whiny Wednesday....yeah - let's go with that. I know that it might just be possible that I have an inordinate amount of things that annoy me - that aggravate me....like men wearing ball caps indoors, or bad grammar....chewing with one's mouth open - and here's a biggie......cars that go the wrong way in parking lots that have clearly designated "up" aisles and "down" aisles.
     It bothers me to see lovely young women going about their business, out in public, wearing pajamas. (Lord help Baby Girl and Babiest Girl if I ever catch wind of them doing so....). And of course, Trouser waistbands that ride the mid buttock/ upper thigh region, move me to lower the car window and scream to the offender "Pull up your Pants!!!" (Much to the dismay of my offspring!) I am annoyed by restaurants that  serve Pepsi products, and I really can't stand it if someone chews near my ear. Seeing kitchen cabinet doors left open works my last nerve, and upity, elitist folks send me over the edge. I hate it when Green lifesavers that I assume are Lime, turn out to be Watermelon.....and although I am a child of the 70's - it annoys me when people don't dress appropriately.....jeans and tennis shoes are just not meant to be worn to "dress your best" events. But today.....today, I may have reached a new high (or low, depending how you look at it....), when it comes to things that make me crazy........
          It was a simple thing - I held out my money, to be taken by the cashier. The first thing I noticed, as she reached out to take my payment, were her hands.....great, giant, beefy hands (Remember the Seinfeld episode re: Man Hands?!) Then, she took my money with both of those beefy hands.... in so doing, both of her hands grasped mine, and pulsated up my hand, from wrist to fingertip, almost as if she were wiping off something nasty, while adding a slight caress ....her hands were warm, and horribly damp....no, not damp.....moist......For a split second, I saw spots in front of my eyes and calculated just how much change I had coming, and if it was worth it to stand there for one more instant. I took a deep breath, girded my loins, and held my hand out for the change.....flat palmed, like they tell you to feed animals, so they don't accidentally bite your hand.
                    
                        I was giving myself a quick pep talk....this won't be so bad....
                             she'll just drop the change in your hand......
                                                                 
                                                        BLERG!!
            
            It was worse!....She gave me the change in reverse fashion. Both of her hands grasping mine, fingering down the length of my hand to the wrist, and then back up. Her moist fingertips lingering on mine. I could no longer rely on my home training....I could not be polite one second longer. I jerked my hand away and fled. It is not for nothing that I am known in my family as The Hand. Washing. Nazi. I could actually see the dampness that had been transferred from her hands to mine. I caught up to my crawling skin about half way to the bathroom, where I commenced scrubbing to a fair thee well, because people....let me tell you - there is not enough hand sanitizer in the World, for THAT kind of public interaction.

The breeze, it is ablowing.....

              As Sunday naps go, it may have been short on quantity - but it was long on quality. I had to be back at the church for an afternoon meeting - I only had 30 minutes to devote to sleep, so I set the alarm on my phone, stretched out on the sofa and closed my eyes. I was exhausted....My friend's funeral was yesterday afternoon, later in the day we drove College Boy up the mountain and deposited him in his dorm (You KNOW how much I loved that....), and we didn't get home until quite late. Add to that today's earliest wake-up time of the week, and a Children's department that was busting at the seems with kids ( No lie....we had the highest attendance of  Children today of any Sunday in 8 years!), and I was toast.
         I slept hard for about 25 minutes, and then I started to wake up of my own accord - just prior to the ringing of the alarm....It wasn't an abrupt waking - it was one of those peaceful, little by little wakings - where your senses come to, one by one. First, I felt the warm breeze (yes - warm....on the 13th of January, how that is possible, I do not know!) from the open windows - gentle and lovely. Next - I smelled that smell....you know the one....The green grass, wet dirt, sun-kissed air dried laundry smell - the smell that never fails to simultaneously relax and invigorate me. I cracked one eye open, then the next and there before me, was a beautiful sunbeam - shining through the window - making the newly clean Den (A surprise gift from my Daughters!) glow. It is a rare occurrence, at this stage in my Mid Life Wifery, that the waking up is more pleasant than the sleeping (and let's face it....Sleep? Well these days it's just about my favorite thing) - but that is how it was today...those moments were golden.
              The alarm went off, I pushed it to silent, and laid there for a few minutes - reflecting on the last few days, and how all of our lives might benefit from the benefactor of my most worthy nap....an open window. In honor of  today's unseasonable warmth, I had decided to open all of the windows - hoping to rid the house of all lingering germs. In so doing - I left my house open to the delights of fresh air...it rid the house of all of the pent up, stuffy, stale old air, and replaced it with a soft, fragrant, clean, newness. How to transfer that, to a Wife at Mid Life? To achieve that opening of spirit...to let the pent up, the stuffy, the stale air out of my life, and fill it with a soft, clean newness? Here, at Mid Life.....when everything feels like it is changing, or ending, or stuck.....
      We had a guest minister today - a young man who is actually a member of our Church. He preached with passion and joy, extolling the virtues of unconditional love, of service to others...of daily Birth and Death, as we begin - over and over again, to live a life worthy of the One who showed us how to live....to be Plan A people in a Plan B world. For the record, I am not a jump up and down, shouting kind of Baptist.....I am a sit in your pew, and know all the words to all the songs, priesthood of the believer kind of Baptist....but today, this Man made me want to Shout....he made me feel that it is still possible to open the window of my spirit, releasing the old...the pent up...the stuffy.....still possible to fill it with radical vibrancy.....turning my Mid Life into New Life. Today, this Man's words were the breeze through the open window in my soul.....perhaps the trick to this Mid Life Wife slump is to look for the breeze, every day, and then open yourself to receive it, thereby creating a constant flux of renewal....a spiritual manifestation of that green grass, wet dirt, sun-kissed, air dried laundry smell....one that leaves you simultaneously relaxed and invigorated.....one that carries you from Mid Life to New Life.

Sharing and Bearing.....

The colors of my life today, are not a Monet Painting. They are more Chiaroscuro with startling slashes of  black and grey. Today, a 3-2-1 cake will not do.....it has been a Co-cola and Chocolate kind of day. I had just gotten back from taking Baby Girl to school....Babiest Girl was home with Strep Throat and ready to be awakened for her second dose of antibiotic. Before I could make it upstairs, I heard a sickening thud with a couple of secondary bounces. I threw the English Muffin I was getting ready to toast, and ran to the stairs, calling for Babiest Girl. She had fainted, and was locked in the bathroom. It was with great difficulty that I was able to get her to unlock the door - when I opened it, she was slouched on the floor, disoriented and only partially responsive - burning up, and soaked with sweat. I screamed to John to come...the thermometer showed that she had a fever, but not a high one. She was the color of putty, her lips were white, and she was having difficulty breathing. A tense trip to the ER followed, where she spent the day enjoying the hospitality of the good folks that serve our town. Blood tests, Cat scans and bags of IV fluid followed. Tonight she is home, but her blood pressure remains scary low. The diagnosis is dehydration coupled with the Strep - making for one sick cookie...tomorrow we will follow up with our Doc. The ER was so busy today, that she spent most of her stay in the hall - in the Bed B slot. From there, we had a window on the world, and while Babiest Girl rested, I rubbed her feet and marveled at the diversity of humanity.
      The lady to our right was desperately ill with double pneumonia, but I suspect there was an underlying condition, because she was the color of a delicate daffodil....yellowy, gold. her Husband sat at her feet - looking bored and put out.
     In the room across from us - the one that had been ours for a brief time, was an elderly woman with skin like old shoe leather, mouth agape and a stare that was fixed. Her two sons shared a dull, vacant look and wore clothes that were tattered and soiled with human waste. They spent a fair amount of their time standing in the hall - staring at us.
      To our left lay a young woman wearing a purple turban - alone and agitated.
 
  To her left was a lovely couple in their 60's. The woman was beautifully dressed and coiffed - the man ill but in good spirits - he seemed to be a regular, so I suspect a lingering illness....his socks were splendid - a funky khaki and white plaid...suggesting a person with a highly developed sense of fun.                               
    In a room, across from them was a woman in her 40's - also alone. She wore a perpetually worried face, and she paced the hall from time to time.                                                                                                

       After the woman to our right was admitted to the hospital, another woman took her place. She and her partner were very devoted to each other...they had identical haircuts and tans, and high blood pressure seemed to be the problem. 
      Then of course, there we were - Babiest girl pale and still, wearing last nights pj's, and me - no makeup - I hadn't even brushed my hair or teeth.
      Nurses, Doctors, Aides and Cleaning Attendants wove in and out - an intricate dance of caregiving - dispensing meds, and comfort - bad news and hope. In the midst of it all, my phone rang - it was a friend informing me that another friend lay above me - 4 floors up and to the right. Suddenly and without warning, this friend would be dead within hours - robbed of her life by a giant brain bleed. She leaves behind a husband, small children, and a host of grieving loved ones.
     The only bright spot of this day is that it was so full of trauma and drama, that I didn't have the time to worry about College Boy, who left the house at the crack of dawn for a skiing adventure with the Fellas. Within the hour, John should be home from work, and College Boy too (I hope). We will lean against each other, like horses exhausted from a race, taking comfort and finding the strength to make our way to our respective beds. When I close my eyes, I will fall asleep to the soundtrack of my day -the thud of Babiest Girl as she fell, the thump, drag step of the old man carrying his wife's pocketbook....the rumble of the wheels of the gurneys as they made their way up and down the halls, the laughter of the nurses - sharing the camaraderie of trenches, the moans of the lady with the back pain, drifting around the corner - the sound of my friend's tears, as they splashed on the floor....and this hymn, which has been in the back of my mind all day -"We are travelers on a journey, fellow pilgrims on the road. We are here to help each other walk the mile and bear the load. I will hold the Christlight for you, in the nighttime of your fear, I will hold my hand out to you, speak the peace you long to hear. I will weep when you are weeping, when you laugh I'll laugh with you, I will share your joy and sorrow till we've seen this journey through. When we sing to God in Heaven, we shall find such harmony - born of all we've known together, known of love and agony.".......keep singing friends - keep sharing and bearing, for the nighttime of fear is long.....

3-2-1....Blastoff!

My kids have discovered I Love Lucy. They are astonished to find that comedy was not invented in Y2K...that something from the "old days" could be so funny (They really should know this already...they live with me, and I am a riot, I'm sure - and, coincidentaly, I am also from the old days)....Tonight, just like many nights of my own childhood, we ate our supper around the TV (John was working late - he does NOT like eating in front of the TV unless it involves football....), laughing at the antics of Ricky, Lucy, Fred and Ethel. How wonderful - that laughter can bridge situations, limitations, generations. Tonight's episode was the one where Tennessee Ernie Ford comes to visit Cousin Lucy, and they spend the whole episode trying to get him to go back home, without hurting his feelings. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we as a society, in this day and age, showed so much concern for one anothers' feelings - made such a concerted effort to be kind...In other news on the home front, the Kennedy women have started our diet....ummm...I mean "lifestyle change". For the sake of my health (and my vanity.....there...I said it), I have really got to get with it! We began on Saturday, and preparatory to the big day, we had been pinning recipes to Pinterest like mad...Baby girl found one that to my way of thinking was ENTIRELY to good to be true....it's Chocolate Cake - 0 Weight Watchers points, and less than 30 calories....yeah - right. It's called 3-2-1 cake, and contains only 3 ingredients. Yesterday (Sunday), I was having the second day diet...ummm..."lifestyle change" joneses....I was doing OK going without Coke, because I was throwing back seltzer water (cherry flavored) like a dessert nomad at the well - but let's be frank - I NEEDED chocolate. My fingers flew over the keys, as I pulled up my Pinterest and found the Cake recipe - and before any of my family could blink, fat girl had put on her shoes, grabbed up her purse and was out the door. I believe that everybody else in my fair city has found the same recipe, because I had to go to 3 - count 'em - three grocery stores - to find one of the very common ingredients. Once back at home, in a lathering desperation, I made the cakes...and the heavens opened, and the angels sang, and all was once again right with my world! Now, I do not want this to turn into a recipe blog, but I would be a poor excuse for a friend if I did not share this (for those of you who have not yet pinned it to your Pinterest board, or worse yet - for those of you who have yet to become a slave to this InterWeb phenomenon). So grab your pens, and write this one down:
                                                                  3-2-1-CAKE!
1 box Angel Food Cake Mix (This is what all of the grocery stores were out of!)
1 box any other Cake Mix (I got Dark Chocolate Fudge)
                                             Mix these two together, until well incorporated - you shouldn't be able to tell that there were separate cake mixes. Then, when you are ready for a treat.................
Take 3 Tbl. of the mix and put it in a mug or glass ramekin (If you give the mug a light spray with PAM, it makes clean up easier) add 2 Tbl. water, stir, and microwave for 1 minute....get it? 3-2-1? Then, open the door, and be blessed by the miracle of CHOCOLATE CAKE....and I mean GOOD Chocolate Cake. It is the perfect serving size, and when paired with a cup of Decaf coffee makes a fabulous ending to your day! It is so easy, I am going to mix up a batch for College Boy to take with him, when he goes back to school on Saturday (Don't ask....I can't talk about it...it has been SO nice having him home.) - and he can have hot Chocolate Cake whenever he wants! I also have this terrific grinder that I got on a whim from Trader Joe's before Christmas. It looks like Pepper, but it contains Coarse sugar, dark chocolate and coffee beans, and has 0 calories for a 1/4 tsp. I didn't put nearly that much on each little cake - and it added a fun crunch. With the promise of this little treat each day, I think it will make it easier for me to stay on track - let's hope so anyway. I will keep you apprised of my success, or lack thereof, and I will pass along any new "lifestyle change" recipes that are too good to keep to myself......3-2-1....blastoff!

Bonfires and Symphony's....

...and so, out with the old and in with the new! It's been a lazy, grey New Years Day....John had to work, College Boy slept the day away, Baby girl had friends over, Babiest girl was retrieved from a friends house - and I decided not to wash my hair - because it smells like bonfire, and that smell makes me smile. You see, John and I actually went to a New Years Eve party last night - one that involved good music, grilled oysters, lots of new people to meet, and of course, the aforementioned bonfire. As always, meeting new people makes me nervous, but I had my kissy red leather gloves to give me courage - and I surprised myself by having a really good time. It reminded me of days long ago, when John and I were a couple, and time stretched before us in an unbroken road of whatever we wanted to do - a time before kids. Once College Boy came, we didn't get out much - and that trend has continued for almost 20 years....once, we went for over two years without going out alone - we were raising the kids with no help - no Grandparents to rely on for overnights, or drop in babysitting, and most times if we paid a babysitter, there was no money left to do anything else. Days - weeks, would go by in a blur back then. John was always working, and as a stay at home Mom, I had my hands full with 3 kids under 5. To keep my spirits up and to offer myself encouragement on a daily basis - I would cut out quotes or poems from magazines, and put them on the refrigerator door....some cute, some cheesy, some profound...but they served their purpose. They became my own silent, unfailing, ever present cheering section....because Lord knows, with all of those kids, I used the refrigerator nonstop - all day long! Five years ago, when we moved out of that dear little cottage and into our current home, John begged me not to put all of the "stuff" up on our new Stainless Steele Side by Side Fridgedare, and feeling magnanimous, I agreed. I couldn't bear to part with all of my magnets, pictures, postcards and clippings, so I put them in a Zip Lock bag, and shoved them in the back of the hall China Closet.....where I found them a couple of days ago, when, in the throes of a rare spurt of organizational energy, I cleaned out said closet. Finding that bag, was like a reunion of long lost best friends - I laughed and I cried as I examined each piece - remembering where I got each item, how much I had loved them - how they were all so intricately connected to the halcyon days of child rearing....the wonder years.....the last, largest piece to leave the bag was an art postcard with one of my favorite poems on it. It speaks to me as clearly as it did the day I got it - it's words masterfully laying out the life I would like to live...and so, on this first day of the year of our Lord - 2013, I give you these words, so beautifully crafted, in the hopes that you will find encouragement in them.....
                                                   
                                              My Symphony....by William Henry Channing
     To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury and refinement rather than fashion.
     To be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich.
     To study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly.
     To listen to stars and birds and babes and sages with an open heart.
     To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never.
     In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the commonplace.
     This is to be my symphony.