We got a late start. I fully accept the responsibility for this. The car was loaded, pets fed, breakfast dishes in the dishwasher...John was behind the steering wheel, and Babiest girl was wedged in the backseat - surrounded by pillows, cactus plants and pre-cut, pre-drilled wood planks for the desk hutch. I just stood at the kitchen sink,staring out the window - unable to make my feet move. I knew that the minute I closed and locked the backdoor, nothing would ever be the same again. More than just securing the house against our absence, I was closing the door on 24 years of Mothering - years of unending sleep deprivation, scraped knees, wait to the last minute science projects, Harry Potter movie marathons, puppy piles of kids on the floor, tears, life giving laughter, public fits (theirs of course, not mine) behavior contracts, a front seat sitting schedule - affixed to the dashboard of the van - designed to put an end to the fighting, toy jail, rowdy supper tables, did I mention the laughter? trips to the park (did I take them enough?), chicken pox, bedtime stories and prayers, learners permits, snow days, singing, lazy pool days..... and the love.....oh so much love.
And while one, or all may come and live here for bits of time in their Adulthood....it will never. be. the. same. Never. Ever.
Their new names are Peace Corps boy, Word Traveling Au Pair girl, and now....my babiest....College girl.
All day yesterday, Freshman move in day at the steamy, dreamy University in the deep south, the soundtrack relentlessly playing on a loop in my mind was that song.....the one that plays while Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are deep in grief at Ron Weasley's desertion in Deathly Hallows part 1....the scene where Harry removes the Hoarcrux from around Hermione's neck, and they dance in the tent....it is a dance full of the sorrow of the moment, yet it captures the joy of being young and dancing - dancing even when the music is sad....perfect for just such an occasion as moving your youngest child into her new home....
This morning, I woke up with that epic anthem of the 70's "Bluer than Blue" rattling around in my exhausted, stroke riddled brain, and I just can't shake it.....even though I know it was written about a lover, it is so pertinent to this day. "Because I'm bluer than blue, sadder than sad....you're the only life these empty rooms have ever had. Life without you is gonna be, Bluer than Blue".
It will take me awhile to get accustomed to having adult children....and who the heck is that guy in the chair beside of mine in the den? He has white hair....what?! Didn't he used to have Jet Black hair and dancing eyes? We were sweethearts once.....I remember....but who are we now? In these empty rooms? And what the heck do we talk about? And fill our time with? And how do I just cook for two?
She will not be happy with me, but I have to share one of my favorite Mother moments.....When she was about 7 or 8, the newly minted College Girl, in that earnest way she had of eloquently expressing herself, took my hand in hers and rubbed it saying - "I love your hands Mommy" (Now let me be clear - I thought she was getting ready to say something about how much they worked for the good of the family, or how she loved it when they brushed her hair, or some such mushiness....). She continued - "They remind me of old grocery bags, that used hold alot of good things, but then somebody took all the things out of the grocery bags, and now they are kind of wrinkled and empty".
And that is how I feel today....on the first of my empty nest days....like something that used to hold alot of good things, that is now wrinkled and empty.
I marked the page in my Jan Richardson book....the one that has served me so well since my strokes...the page titled "Blessing for coming into an empty house". I marked it, but left it unread until this morning, so that I could reap the full benefits of her wisdom, as I struggle to learn how to dance, even when the music is sad. I offer some snippets of it here, for all of my friends who are entering into this new stage of life....
"I know how every time you return, you call out in greeting to the one who is not there. I know how the hollow of the house echoes in your chest, how the emptiness you enter matches the ache you carry with you always. I know there are days when the only thing more brave than leaving this house is coming back to it...On those days, may the delight that made a home here find its way to you again, not merely in memory, but in hope, so that every word ever spoken in kindness circles back to meet you, so that you may hear what still sings to you within these walls, so that you may know the love that dreams with you here, when finally you give yourself to rest - the love that rises with you, faithful like the dawn that never fails to come."
So let it be said.....so let it be done.
Amen.
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