The Gloaming

  It's a familiar kind of feeling....one from my long ago past, and while not exactly the same, it is similar enough. It has happened every afternoon for the last couple of weeks. As the day bleeds into late afternoon, I feel it as a dull flutter behind my forehead that funnels under my right ear. It spreads around my neck and down my shoulders - into my arms. Once there, it shoots into my center and floods into my lower extremities  In my teenage years it's name was sadness....worry....melancholy. My Mothers illness and impending death colored my every waking moment, but in that part of the day known as the Gloaming, it went into overdrive.
   In the present, it's name is anxiety....what if....fear.
Once I saw the pattern returning, I tried to change my routine. No news while I make supper, just lovely Celtic music, Native American Flute, or New Age Piano. I am mindful of the warmth of the water and the lovely fragrance of the soap as I wash my hands.  While I chop the vegetables, I say a prayer of thanksgiving that I am able to provide a hot, nutritious and hopefully delicious meal  for my family. I look forward to the five of us gathered around the table - laughing, talking, telling stories....powerful juju for sure, yet none of it vanquishes that Gloaming feeling.

    Tonight, as I was working on supper, slogging through the Gloaming, I caught sight of my reflection in the kitchen window. And I flashed back to another reflection in another window.
  This past Sunday, our Worship Service was live streamed. Just the Four of us - the Ministerial staff -were present. As we met to discuss the order of service, we automatically distanced ourselves in the sanctuary - how odd that there were no hugs, or claps on the shoulder. Although we were happy to see each other, there in that sacred space, the emptiness was palpable - the silence a veritable hum. Our conversation bounced off of the walls and wood pews, making it almost an echo chamber. Our business finished, we turned our talk to Covid 19....sharing bits and pieces of new information we had heard....discussing the possibility (now reality) of a Statewide Shelter in Place order....what that would look like, how our lives would become very small indeed.....
   I was left unsettled and tearful - that Gloaming feeling was kicking in hours ahead of schedule. As I zipped up my black robe, I walked to the window to collect myself before we started recording. Our windows are the most beautiful architectural feature of our Church. They flank the pews, and soar to the ceiling. The light is unbelievable. I looked out into the yard where I played as a child...where my children played, running around the giant trees....Above the reflection of my right shoulder I could see the large solitary candle in the center of our altar being lit behind me. As the candle caught and flared, I saw - not the reflection of one flame, but two. I turned to see if another candle had been added, but there it remained - the lone candle. Once again facing the window, there was no mistaking it....two flames danced happily together. It is that image I want to carry with me into the Gloaming. Proof that we are never alone. There, dancing just above our right shoulder is evidence of God's love and constant presence, 2 flames from 1, whispering "Come ye who are heavy laden, and I will give ye rest". May it ever be so.... for "Those who walked in the darkness have seen a great light".