Breathe....air is your friend.....

If you knew me in my teens or 20's, more than likely you were aware that I had pretty wicked anxiety issues. Born of my constant  worry for my Mother as a child, my anxieties pretty much ruled the roost of my life...even in the early days of my marriage. If John so much as drove the 1/2 mile from our house to the corner store, I would be sick with worry until he returned. Just as I had tortured my parents with constant "How are you feeling"......"Can you breathe OK?"......."Do you have any chest pain".....I transferred those persistent queries to John, and bless his heart, for the most part he was patient with it....because he understood the root of my fears. It was not until I became a Mother myself, that I got a grip on it...I didn't want my children to be the beneficiaries of a legacy of panic, so I worked - really, really hard to eradicate extreme, crippling anxiety from my life...For the last 10-12 years I have been relatively free from hard core, bring you to your knees anxiety (Other than at Mammogram time....some things will never change.....) That's why this morning, when John made a passing reference to not feeling up to snuff, and the first question out of my mouth was "Do you have chest pain", I froze like a Popsicle. I had an inkling that my Nephews death might be messing with my hard won state of Zen, when I panicked Sunday as I dropped College Boy off to catch his ride back up the Mountain to school. I was able to talk myself down before it got bad, and went on about the rest of my day....But this morning made the second time in less than 48 hours that my old self reared it's ugly head - I mean, I thought myself a battle scarred, tough as nails survivor - the conqueror of anxiety and panic attack - I have even made it through years of John's un/under/employment, two kids getting their drivers license, and one going off to college, for goodness sakes. Yet, Chucks sudden death has summoned the ghosts of Christmases Past.....my past. I don't think I've mentioned that he, in the prime of his life, suffered a massive heart attack while trying to drive himself to the Emergency Room.(We are still awaiting results of the autopsy for answers as to why the attack occurred) I guess we will never know if he had been feeling poorly, or had any warning signs in the days leading up to last Tuesday. There is no way of knowing if the outcome would have been different if he had called for an ambulance, instead of trying to drive....but I will say to you, my friends, that which I have been saying to my children and my Husband for the last week (with annoying frequency I am sure), if you experience Chest Pain, or any other life threatening symptoms - call 911 - open the front door if you are able, and put yourself right by it. Take no chances - an ambulance is full of life saving equipment. As for me, it is time to plunge into some remediation on the Zen front - reminding myself that I can solve nothing, prevent nothing, fix nothing by worrying. It is time to remember that the only thing worry can change is the quality of my life. So I will begin again....air in on a three count, air out on a three count and repeat, over and over - my mind chanting my mantra "Trust the gift, trust the giver....." And though, in the last years I have said it laughingly as a gentle nudge to myself and my circle of people, I say it now therapeutically, as I did in the early days of my struggles to free myself  from the ever present grip of anxiety.... I say it now to nip it in the bud...."Breathe.....air is your friend"