The opposite of "Haute for the Holidays".....

You know how your house just smells so great at Christmas, with the live tree and all of the baking? Well, the last few days....not so much. I have been all over this house, sniffing - on my hands and knees even - looking for signs of accidental puppy spots, inspecting all trash cans, cat box, sinks, laundry bins, toilets, sofa cushions....not an offensive sign anywhere - yet there is a lingering odor. Maybe not so much lingering....more like an in your face, "I'd be embarrassed if anybody came in the house", what died, kind of odor. This morning I was up before the chickens - literally.(The chickens generally sleep in until about 7:30 or 8:00!) I'm still not sleeping well, and I count it a victory if I sleep later than 5:00a.m. The upside to this is that I drink coffee and clean....and lately, search for the source of the olfactory offender. As this was my day off, once I got the family out the door, I grabbed another cup of coffee and sat down for a few minutes with Matt, Savannah and Al. I caught the interview with Ina Garten.....funny thing about Ina Garten - I have a serious love/hate relationship with her. I am an admirer of many of her recipes, and have several in my repertoire...yet I can't help but notice that she and I bear more than a passing resemblance to each other. Therein lies the hate part....because I don't think she is very attractive, and I look just like her! I was already more than slightly annoyed by the house stench, and then there is Ina...wearing my face and remarking that she just likes plain, simple food -staples - common things - like Pasta in white truffle sauce (At which point I said to myself..."self - let's go to the pantry and grab up the truffles and make a simple little supper"...NOT!)I did a couple of loads of laundry - sheets...I mean shepherd, angel, Mary and Joseph costumes for tomorrow night's big Nativity, and then I opened all of the windows - hoping to air the house out. I even left them open as I headed off to work (I know.....day off....but that's mostly just a theory right?). It was actually more like a field trip, as my neighbor(a fellow Children's Minister) and I went on a little road trip to check out a new camp location for this spring's 4th and 5th grade retreat. As we pulled back in to town, I realized I had just enough time to run to the Teeter (Grocery Store, for all you Non Southern types) before I picked the girls up from school. Pasta (NOT served with truffles), fruit, milk....just a few things to tide us over till shopping day. As I waited in line, I picked up my favorite magazine to flip through it. I was going to purchase it, until I came upon a feature that put me off.....it was entitled "Haute for the Holidays", and included  a $22.00 bobby pin (That's right....just one - with a little flower doo hickey on the end)....that was actually the cheapest thing in the whole article - and I don't know....it just made me aggravated again.... like Ina....and the mystery odor. I picked up both girls, dropped Baby Girl off at work, and came home - ready to start the supper. Tonight's orchestra concert (Babiest Girl), and Art Show (Baby Girl) necessitated an early eating time. Just as I got the Chicken going, Crackhouse Puppy started barking like a junkyard mongrel. I went to find him, and as I rounded the dining room, I looked through to the living room, and saw that he had left me a little deposit...of the solid kind. He does this from time to time - sometimes with repulsive frequency, and ALWAYS in the living room (Friends, if you have ANY suggestions on how to halt this behavior, I want to hear them - although, we have tried almost everything we can think of). As I got closer (let me say, in my defense that I did NOT have my glasses on), I realized that there was a chewed off sprig of ivy laying beside his offering (He also has a bad habit of chewing on my plants if he is bored)..."That excrement sure is a funny color," I thought to myself (Possibly, just possibly, "excrement" is not the word I used....just sayin)...."and an odd shape too" my inner monologue concluded....This might be a good place to remind you that all of my windows were open - so I can only say to any dear neighbors who might have been outside (although, it is within the realm of possibility that you heard me even if you were inside) I apologize for any alarm I may have caused you. For just as my foot hit the living room floor, I realized that the offending brownish lump was not the result of any canine bodily function, but possibly WAS the cause of the offending odor that has held our home hostage. There, laying mangled and desecrated was a rather large, very dead Mouse. It is really quite impressive that the human vocal mechanism can produce that kind of sound, even in the throes of laryngitis....I made it back to the kitchen a full 10 seconds before my crawling skin caught up to me. Babiest girl stared at me with eyes the size of saucers, as she half rose from her chair. I fleetingly wondered if it would be wrong of me to make the 13 year old get rid of the remains, but I quickly dismissed that as going directly against the "I won't ask you to do anything that I wouldn't do myself" rule. No College Boy to rescue his dear Mama....no John - he's working late....What to do?! Now, this is not some run of the mill dead mouse. This is a mouse that has been tortured for days....has possibly been dead for days....a chew toy that Crackhouse Puppy has carried from room to room, hiding it....saving it for later (Which could explain the transitory nature of the odor). I may not have White Truffles in the pantry, and I may not subscribe to the "Haute for the Holidays" theory, but I am nothing if not resourceful....with that in mind, I set about  finding the proper tools for the corpse removal. Long yard broom....check. Empty cereal box from the recycling....check. I tiptoe back into the living room (don't ask me why....), and carefully, whimperingly lay the cereal box below the poor little thing. I then took the broom, and thanks to all the Childhood years of PuttPutt playing, I chipped that bad boy right into the box. As I gingerly carried it out through the kitchen, Babiest girl says angelically, "Mom....can we give it a proper burial?"......."Yeah sure", I say....."I got your proper burial right here", as I ran out  behind the shed and flung as far as I could fling....As I stood at my sink, scrubbing the first two layers of skin off of my hands in the hot soapy water, I thought about Ina and her white truffles, the lingering odor of an uninvited guest and the opposite of "Haute for the Holidays".....