A Season of Ferry

   So, I am home. My week alone in silence is behind me, and I am left to re-read my journals and make sense of all that I experienced. First, let me say that the week exceeded my expectations in every way.
  I came up with a couple of new mantras to get me through the tough spots...all done in a slow 8 count with each word having a quarter note value. My first was "Baby rides the train to London" (Actually, I inserted Baby Girls name when I chanted, but here it reverts to Baby, to protect the innocent.) It was a tremendous comfort to remind myself that my Baby Girl is successfully embracing adventure every day in a land that is far, far away. My next, more emphatic mantra...well, I will spare you that one, as it is full of empowering kitchen words, and eventually took on the meter of a Nicki Minaj song - I even had a little dance move to go with it! The point is, even when spoken only in my head, they helped to remind me that I was bigger than my fears - and capable and worthy of far more than I allow myself on a daily basis.
  At no time did I make more frequent use of my mantras than while waiting in the lane to drive aboard The. Ferry. When I first discovered that one of my routes to the retreat involved a Ferry, my immediate thought was "oooooh - I LOVE Ferry's!". That thought was eclipsed by a quick second..."Oh, I could NEVER drive onto the Ferry alone". While sitting in the kitchen the day before my departure, fretting about what to do, I was schooled by Babiest Girl, her feet firmly planted, her arms akimbo, her voice slightly raised...."MAMA! Just TAKE THE FERRY. You can do it."    Alrighty then.      I would take the Ferry.
  Back to the queue. I experienced a moment of panic when I realized that I was hemmed in on every side. I no longer had the option of backing out of the Ferry route....my only way was forward. Mantras on my lips, a not so faint sheen of fear on my brow, I put the car in Drive and as the Attendant waved me on, slowly and perfectly drove onto the Ferry and parked. With a mix of astonishment and sense of accomplishment, I exited the car and took my place on the rail - ready to feel that beautiful breeze that comes with a trip on the Ferry....it did not disappoint.
   We were about 10 minutes into the 20 minute trip when I was struck by an epiphany....this retreat....this time in my life - I need it to be like a trip on a Ferry. While on a Ferry, you have given over - you are letting someone else do the driving, and are in the unique position of being able to clearly see where you have been AND where you are going, in a way you would not be afforded, if you were in the drivers seat. And that one realization....that desire for Ferry, shaped the entirety of my Silent Retreat. I gave over. I let God, and the kitchen staff of Trinity Center take control. I did not have one single obligation for possibly the first time since I was 15 years old - no cooking, no caretaking, no driving, no cleaning or work of any kind. I looked behind. I looked ahead. I felt the sun on my face , the sand on my feet, and the wind....the blessed wind, blowing through all of my leaning places. I was sad. I was jubilant. I was angry.....so angry - at the situations in my life that had blindsided and overtaken me. At shoddy treatment and slights, real and imagined. I thought of the particular set of circumstances that allowed me to finally agree to let Baby Girl go thousands of miles away to find her path, reclaim the truth and joy that is her birthright. I wondered if my intransigence, my fears had been blocking years of blessings for me....for my family.
   I luxuriated in the Giving Over.
I ended each day with a meditation particular to my surroundings. I stood on the shore- in that spot where the water, exhausted by the fury of the breaking wave, inches forward, then ebbs away. I would inhale as slowly and fully as possible, visualizing a worry, a sorrow, an anger. On the long slow exhale, I bent and blew that thought into the water....watching the undertow carry it out to the sea. When my mind was clear and peaceful, I knew the meditation was over....One night, I know I stood there for 30 minutes....
   Through the course of my beachside reading, I discovered a new word. "Complementarity" - the theory that every great and deep difficulty bears in itself it's own solution. I love this word, this concept....finding the key to the solution....that, I think is the tricky part. But in my silence, my Giving Over, I started the search.
  A time of Giving Over.....  A Season of Ferry. This is what I claim for my life. This is what I wish for you.....