Make it Not. Be. So.

As the sun rose on my third cup of coffee, it was apparent that Mother Nature was sharing in my grief....a fog so thick that what little I could see had a surreal, other worldly feel. The same feeling I had at 9:00 last night, 4:00 this morning, all afternoon, and right now as I sit at my desk in the kitchen. The house is momentarily empty - I am thankful for the quiet. Crackhouse Puppy is sitting by my feet, intuitively offering me comfort....every now and then, putting his head on my knee and whimpering - a fitting sound for this day. I was climbing into bed last night as the phone rang...my brother's voice on the other end. I have heard him sound like that only twice before - in 1991 when he made the call informing me of our Father's death, and then again in 1993 as 8 months pregnant with my first child I listened as he haltingly told of his teenage son's death. "Kelley"....he said last night, and in an instant I knew, and my mind screamed "Who.....who is it this time....?" My mind, my heart - not ready for any name that he might call - but as I fell to my knees, I could not accept the name he uttered..."Chuck....it's Chuck.....he's dead...." Never one to be at a loss for words, I was incapable of formed words...Surely not Chuck, my one remaining nephew - my Brother's one remaining Son....He's a newlywed - He sat, glowing with happiness at my Thanksgiving table not five days past...he and his beautiful bride just back from a second, delayed wedding ceremony in her native Peru...not Chuck who just last week made the same smiley face that has worked on me since he was a baby, and asked to take the remainder of the Chocolate Pie home...not Chuck whose last words to me were "I'll see you in a couple of weeks" - we had planned a holiday game night with a sleepover....not Chuck, who was my very first "little buddy". I was ten when my Brother and Sister In Law announced that they were expecting...I was so excited - I might finally get to hold a real live baby! When he was born, he was so perfect, so cuddly, and so mine! As he learned to walk, I was allowed to take him outside - we could bounce the ball, and swing. And when he came to visit my house, we would play ride a little pony down to town until my leg felt like it would break. As a two year old, he developed a love of hats that was something to behold. His best, most favorite hat was a "Billy Jack" hat - almost as big as he was...it is this picture - Chuck standing under the Christmas tree, clutching the Billy Jack hat tight on his head, that has been front and center in my mind today. He was a lover of sweets...I will never forget the Christmas, he must have been two or three, that my Mother outdid herself on the dessert course. She put out crystal platter after crystal platter of cookies and bars and little cakes....she leaned over to Chuck and asked which one he would like....he raised up on his knees in the chair, leaned over the table, reached his little arms out, spread the stubby fingers on both hands as far apart as he could and commanded...."MANY!" That precious little boy grew into a fine man, and he traveled the world - first in the military, and then with his civilian jobs. He was the best of both of his parents....my Sister In Law's gentle spirit, my Brothers sense of humor. True love came late to Chuck, and we were all overjoyed as he found and then wed his beloved.....a girl who is beautiful inside and out....a girl who is too soon a widow.  My Brother and Sister In Law have lost both of their precious boys, and for once....words fail me. I do not know how to express to them the depth of my grief, my pain borne of theirs, my willingness to do anything to make this not. be. so....but it is so....my first little buddy has joined his brother, his Grandparents, his Great Grandparents in that Sweet By and By...and no matter what I do, I can not clear my spirit of this internal fog - this sense of the surreal. No matter what I do, I can't stop shivering - no matter how many layers of clothing I put on, or how many blankets I cover myself in. No matter what I do, I can not ease my family's pain...No matter what I do, I can not make. it. not. be. so. With that in mind, I will "pull out the mat", as we say in our family....I will blanket us in prayer - calling each by name - I will beg a Godly covering - that peace which passeth all understanding. I will hold each one I love, close in my heart...I will pray sleep tonight for all who mourn...and in my grief, I will wish this was. not. so.....