Silver Linings and Aches and Pains....

It was not my fault......I was in the Dollar Store, minding my own business, when I realized they were playing Christmas music...and not just any Christmas music, but "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" Christmas music....it's the first time in 34 years that it has caught me out in public unawares like that....you see - that is the song that I associate with my Mom's death. It was Christmas, my Freshman year in college, and I had attended my first Masqueraders Ball - a big bash thrown by the Theatre Honor Society - fancy clothes, nice dance floor....DISCO MUSIC!!(I was a Disco QUEEN, I tell you) Towards the end of the night, several students sang a short concert. I will never forget when a Freshman stepped out onto the floor, took the microphone and sang "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." She was so good, her voice so full of emotion....I was floored - and moved, and more than anything, I wanted to be able to sing just like that....The next day, her rendition was still on a loop in my head - the day my Sister came and rushed me to the Hospital to be with my Mom. All through the night as my Mom lay dying, that song was the soundtrack of her slowing breath, her moans of agony. Each year, when I hear that song for the first time, it brings that memory with it...crystalline - a moment frozen in time - that is how I happened to find myself shopping in the Dollar Tree this morning, pushing my little buggy, tears streaming down my face. (At least it wasn't that Damned "Christmas Shoe" song.....the first time I ever heard THAT one, I was driving the car, and had to pull over so as not to be a danger to myself or others, until the sobbing subsided!) Today, in the midst of my tears, it came to me that I was Thankful for the memory....for all my memories. None are quite so bad as that one, and most are wonderful....truly wonderful....Growing up in the best neighborhood in the world - catching fireflies after bathtime, all of us running around in our Summer PJ's, the Freedom of driving, My College years, the Summer I lived in Burnsville, my years of being a working actress, the Summer I met John, Our Wedding, the days my Children were born, watching my babies grow....good days, bad days, and all the in between days. I have been told more than once that I have a remarkable memory, and indeed, I sometimes embarrass myself by saying, "Hey, remember when we......", and no one else does. I see it as a gift of greatest worth - the ability to recall so clearly the momentous, the mundane - the silver linings, the aches and pains - sense memories of the colors of my days...such a comfort, to a Mid Life Wife.